hellooo hillary


It’s times like these you learn to love again.

August, where are you? I need you to come, I’m dying here.

Friday was f*&@!?#* miserable. I had a good day at school, peaceful and relazing. When it was over, I had to walk home and I was looking forward to it because it was a beautiful day. So I cranked up my itouch and listened to music as I walked around, going out of my way so I could stay outside longer. When I got home, Bear was home, which is odd seeing as how he’s normally in school. We just sat around and watched TV together for awhile and got along like normal. Then he started getting out of control (which I won’t get into) and I went to sit on our front porch to calm down. Then my auntie came outside to smoke. When we tried to get back inside, the door was locked. Since my god awful mother works the night shift, she was sleeping, being oblivious to everything that was going on. My aunt called her to get her to let us inside. No answer, typical. So basically we sat outside while the demon that took over my brother destroyed our house. When he finally let us inside, he was bleeding like crazy. He broke glass. All over. We tried to help him but he ran upstairs and told my mom that my aunt and I were being mean to him. She said “I told you not to go down there, they’re just a bunch of effing, screaming bleepers!” I screamed back. “Look who’s talking, Mom.” And stormed out of the house. I ended up at Sabrina’s door and stayed there practically all weekend, not speaking a word to my stupid mother. It’s Monday now, and she has yet to even look at me. Whatever, right?

Sabrina and I had a good weekend, one that made me forget my ignorant mom.We made these! The purple one was supposed to say ‘love’ but it didn’t work out as planned.

 When I eventually came home, my gram took me to see the movie, The Last Song. Hellooo love at first sight, and I’m not just talking about Liam Hemsworth. =] Miley wasn’t my favorite since I’m not a fan of her but Liam played my dream man, inside and out. I think I found my true love. =] It’s my new favorite movie, seriously. I cried like a baby.

What a hottieee. =D

Shall we back track and have a humorous moment? I think we shall…

Thursday night I got really thirsty at about 4 a.m. and went downstairs to get water. On my way back upstairs, someone came in my front door. I screamed and spilled my water. It was just my aunt! Then after she practically peed her pants from laughing so hard and after I tried to pull my heart out of my gut, I headed up the stairs to go back to sleep. When I got to the top of the steps, my Gram came out of her room and scared me again! We all laughed so hard! It was a silly night. =P

So today, Tuesday, I saw my senior class photo. Oh my goodness. I was so sickly thin. My face was so sunken in and my bones ahh I don’t wanna go there. 1. I don’t want to talk about it. 2. I don’t want to trigger anyone. I can tell that I’m healing because the first thought that came to my mind was “My god, I was FAR too thin back then.” I guess I just wasn’t meant to stay that way…

I’ve been losing a lot of friends lately, but when I think about it, I realize that maybe they weren’t really my friends. Maybe they were just merely people that weren’t good for me and I was meant to lose them. I’m trying to be positive about it, but it’s happened so much in the past 6 months, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. On the bright side, I’ve finally been realizing who my real friends are. There aren’t many, and I don’t need many. I’m not greedy when it comes to friendship, you can’t be. I’ve also met a guy that is super sweet and I’m glad that we became such good friends so fast. He is optimistic, inspiring and compassionate, which is exactly the kind of friend I want. Not to mention he’s pretty cute. =D I’m not going to hold myself back anymore. I’m breaking out of this shell.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you just the way you are.”

 

 Last night, Wednesday, I got a call at 1:30 a.m. from my mother. Before I get into this story, I should probably tell you that, for whatever reason, we somehow just started being civil to each other again. Anyway, she called my crying and said that she was in the hospital and her face was messed up. I was terrified. I had no idea what to do, so I went downstairs and woke up my aunt and we left for the hospital. OMG. I never want to see my mom like that. Ever. Again. Sorry if I gross you out, but there was blood everywhere. Her hands, clothes, blankets, face, everything was covered in her blood. I know my mom and I don’t get along but I sure as hell would never have wished this upon her. Without too much detail, they had to stitch up her face and do plastic surgery to fix it…I left when they were putting the stitches in because I can’t handle that. Thankfully, she’s going to be okay, but I fear that this procedure is going to make her even more self conscious about herself. Just like we all are/were self conscious with our bodies, well my mother is like that with her face. And I fear that this is going to make her absolutely miserable, which in turn, makes me absolutely miserable…

On an awesome ending note, I’m already completely over Ryan. I thought it’d take me forever, but it didn’t and I’m so happy about it. The best part is, I already feel SO much better about everything, like my life, future and myself. I’m not saying that he made me miserable or anything because that’s not true. But I think it’s time for me to go out and have my flirty fun, which I’ve already started doing!  I loveee boys. Hehe. =D

Enjoy the weekend, kiddies!

Always,

hill ❤

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You can’t stop me.

Okay, go ahead and just say it. I’m horrible at posting daily, even weekly.

Things have been so crazy lately. Basically, I’ve been spending my time with Sabrina and it’s been awesome. We’ve grown so close lately. We’ve been friends since 8th grade, but when we used to hang out, we always just had fun and forget all our problems. We never talked about anything personal, we never had any clue what was really going on in each others lives. Over the past few months, that has drastically changed. Sabrina and I talk about EVERYTHING. Heartbreak. School. Boys. Family. Eating. Adulthood. Money. Jobs. Movies. The past. We talk about it all. I’m incredibly happy to say that Sabrina is my best girlfriend.

 We’ve been taking more pictures together, hanging out more, going out for treats like Rita’s and driving around just blaring music and simply talking. Last weekend we even went to the pet store and played with this little dacshund, Annie! She was adorable!

The only problem that we’ve-well, I’ve-been struggling with about her is prom. She got asked by a few guys to go and she said no and used the excuse that she was going with me. Fine, that’s cool, right? Well to be completely honest, I’m terrified. I do not, by any means, want to go to prom. I’m so self conscious and I don’t even wanna try to find a dress and go all night and endure pictures with my beautiful friend and think even less of myself. If I hadn’t gone through this huge weight gain process, I would gladly go with her. Now, I know what you all are going to say…You’re beautiful just the way you are, just go and have fun. But, guys, think about this. Imagine taking your current body and doubling it and then that would be your new size. Scary, right? Yeah, well that’s my body. Seriously. I’m not being dramatic or trying to whine but it’s true. I’m trying to come up with any excuse that I can to avoid going but I don’t want to disappoint her. What should I do?

Moving onto this past week…

There wasn’t much to say about the beginning of it but Wednesday was my worst nightmare. I don’t know if you know this but I’ll just give a quick summary so you’re not confused. Three years ago my family and I got a PFA-Protection from Abuse-against my abusive step father. Ever since my brother and I were born, we were brutally beaten. We had to go to court because the the PFA was about to expire, and we wanted to renew it because my step dad is still creeping on us. Well, the judge denied our request because my step dad didn’t do anything physically threatning, which is ridiculous. We’re all scared to death of him and I know that he could get away with murder. Anyway, I had to see him for the first time in three years and I couldn’t help but stare at him, especially his hands and eyes.  I have no idea why, but I do know one thing. I saw him for the jerk he is for the first time. I always tried to cover up his mistakes and flaws and convince myself he never did anything wrong. By doing that, we both were wrong. I finally saw him the way that I should’ve the entire 14 years he was in my life. I was finally able to say “You can’t control me anymore.”  To me, this is a sign of me making progress in my recovery.

I’ve been making a lot of progress in my recovery lately. The most recent thing I’ve done to prove that is break up with Ryan. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Ryan more than anyone in the world and he is my best friend. He never did anything wrong that would make me want to break up with him. I needed to break up with him for myself, because of myself. I finally realized that I don’t need another person to make me happy, but it’s something only I can do. Honestly, I feel like I used to live my life just because of Ryan, he was the only good thing left in my life. Or so I thought. I’m learning that you can’t make someone the center of your life or you’ll never fully experience life. We cannot save others and others cannot save us, it just doesn’t work out. It’s like the old saying…

“If you want something done right, you must do it yourself.”

Despite that I know this was the right decision for me to make, I still feel horrible at it. It seems like Ryan doesn’t realize that this hurts me too, maybe even more than it hurts him. I did not intend to hurt him in any fashion. There is just so much that I can say about this whole topic but I think I’ll stop here for now. Guys, just know that what Ryan and I had was passionate, perfect, but most of all, it was real.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” ❤

I’ll always love you, Ryan.

When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me. ❤

During all my struggles this past week, I’ve taken a look back at letters, cards and other odds and ends from Renfrew and Remuda. One thing stood out that made me so happy I cried for hours.

It reads: “Beware: Monsters melt in rain…”

This is from Renfrew, from my dearest friend, Becca. Baby, you’re the love of my life. You’ve been there by my side through thick and thin (no pun intended). You have never once judged me and have been the best friend I could ever ask for. I wish that we could have more days like at Renfrew where we could just sit and talk for hours on end. Our friendship is genuine and I’m so thankful to have you. I love you, Becca. I owe you my life. ❤

Always,

hill

Never give up.


Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Oh boys and girls, these past few days have been horrible. =[ I haven’t posted in forever because I didn’t want to bother you all with my depression. I thought that everything was getting better. I was going out with friends, laughing a lot, taking my medication and getting along with my family. 

The rest of last week was pretty much the same shit as usual, just a different day. Saturday was a lot of fun. Sabrina came over after work and we went for a car ride to stalk her ex boyfriend. That sounds creepy but it was fun. Sunday the bunny came and left me a lot of clothes in my basket. All of which were a size bigger than I used to wear and that was so damn depressing it pretty much ruined my Easter. On top of that, my family was fighting all day and that made dinner that day even worse. I already didn’t want to endure that meal and then everyone bitched at each other the whole time and made it an all around awful day. 

To take myself away from all the negativity of the day, Easter night I went over to Sabrina’s house. We had a lot of fun, created even more awesome memories to look back on. For the first time since my weight gain, pictures were taken of me. It’s not like I had to sit there and pose for them alone,but pictures are a tough subject for me. We had fun taking them all but underneath my fake smile, I was self conscious. I think I’ve told you guys this but I’ll tell you again just incase. Sabrina knows everything I’ve been through: ED, suicide attempts, depression, treatment, the whole nine yards. Granite, she has no idea what it all really means. So when I asked her that night not to put these pictures on facebook, and if she did that, to not tag me in them, she must not have understood the seriousness of my statement. The night that we had that conversation, I saw my god awful photos on facebook, tagged and all. I haven’t cried that hard in a long, long time. It was horrible. I don’t even know what else to say about it. Somewhere over the rainbow all is well…

How did the bunny bunny treat my lovely bloggers? =]

When Monday rolled around I was looking forward to a much needed therapy session. Although, when I got there, the door was locked. My appointment must have gotten cancelled. =[ I reallyyy needed that and I couldn’t have it. Ugh. That just made me even more depressed.

Things have just been so bad lately and I can’t pinpoint where the depression is coming from. I wish that I knew what was causing ED to act out so much right now. I’m really hoping that I figure it out soon. I hope you guys are all doing better than me.

On a lighter note, how are you all liking this weather?! It’s a bit to hot for me but it’s a lot better than below freezing! In all honesty, I’m terrified of swim suit season. I want to prolong that agony for as long as I can…Ugh. Although, I can’t wait to spend all my time next to my babe with my toes in the sand. Well have a great rest of the week kiddies. Love youu.

Always,

hill

“Write your sorrows in the sand and your blessings in stone.”


A Clear in the Storm.

What a weekend!

Sorry I haven’t been posting guys, I’ve just been busy and kinda sick. It seems that seasonal allergies are kicking my butt this year. I wake up with a migraine every single day and it doesn’t go away. =[ Other than that things are awesome! Friday night I stayed over at Sabrina’s house and we had so much fun! I can’t tell you when the last time I stayed over at a friend’s house was. Her Mom, my second Mom, made us breakfast in the morning and I was kinda worried about it. It ended up perfectly fine and the food was amazing. It was french toast with cream cheese, piled high with bananas, strawberries and blueberries. Then we added just a hint of powdered sugar, whipped cream-well maybe a lot of whipped cream!-and chocolate syrup. Yummyyyy! It was so freaking good! It got me thinking about how people without ED’s can so easily fit in all the dietary necessities and absolutely love it. Some thing bewilder me…

It was like this, only there was much more fruit and of course, the final touch toppings. =] Sorry I couldn’t get a real picture for you…

Then when I left her house on Saturday-she had to work-I took Bear to Barnes and Noble. Don’t you just love that place? =] We had a fun looking through silly books together. I actually picked up a book that I’m hoping will help me. For whatever reason, I was slightly embarrassed when I was looking through the psychology section, so I called Ryan for a little support. Having a little bit of support there at that time was helpful and it got me through and I realized that I was just being insecure.

That same night, Bear wanted a slurpee and guess what? I got one too! The last time I had a caloric beverage was…? Well, now I can say that it was Saturday night! I was proud of myself for being able to treat myself and not feel even the slightest bit guilty about it.

On Saturday night, this was so true for me! =]

After Sabrina got off of work, she came back to my house and we spent the whole night talking and facebooking! We had so much fun, to say the least. Sunday was my day to relax and do nothing. After a long weekend of staying up late and laughing until my face hurt, I needed a break.

Monday was yet another dreary day.=/ I would’ve been perfectly fine if my head didn’t feel like it was about to explode. My Mom picked me up from school and she knew I wasn’t feeling well. You would never guess what she did for me then!…She bought my Dunkin Donuts coffee! My head felt much better after that. =] I had a therapy session as well and when I was driving there, I was trying to think of what I needed to talk about and nothing was coming to my mind. As soon as I sat down in her office, I couldn’t shut up. Everything just came out, when I thought there was nothing in me to say. Let me just say that I felt so good afterwards. 

Well, that was yet another incredibly long post and for that I am sorry. I’m really getting quite bad at posting daily…I’ll try harder the rest of the week! Everybody wish for the sun to shine tomorrow! Love you all. Here’s the story of the life…

Always and Forever,

hill


When it rains, it pours.

When the weather’s bad, my mood is too. Let me just say that I’m sick and tired of feeling like this. I seriously wake up most mornings and just feel like absolute and total shit. 

Yesterday-Monday- I had a therapy session again and my weekly weight check. My aunt went with me and we did a little bit of running around afterward. My session went fairly well, I even gave my therapist my pocket full of pills that I had from when I wasn’t taking my medication. Just for the record, I wasn’t planning to do anything with them or anything. I just wanted to get rid of them just incase any urges did occur…but my weight check was eye opening. I, once again, gained more weight. I’m so ridiculously far from the weight that I want to be at now, it’s so discouraging. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m feeling that drives me to binge but now it’s more of a habit thing. I’m perfectly fine when I’m in school and out doing things with friends and family. But when I’m home, things fall apart. Fast. I absolutely hate being home and I do anything in my power to avoid going home.

I purged twice this week. The first time was right after I told my Mom it had been a week since I purged. =[ She told me she was proud of me. After that, I felt horrible. My Gram on the other hand thinks I’m constantly purging in my room. She insists that she can smell the vomit, but nobody else can smell a thing, including my Mom and me. Whatever. In attempts to try to stop my eating spells, I’m trying to let this fact set in my thick skull: Food is not doing what you are trying to make it do, so stop trying. Try something new. 

Monday night I went to an AA meeting, not for me, and I really liked it. Really. As we all know, alcohol serves the same purpose to alcoholics as food-or lack of it-does for us. We listened to a man tell his story and how the alcohol problem impacted himself and his family and friends. I feel like I’ve heard his story a million times because all addictions impact people’s lives in similar ways. An addictions an addiction, no matter what you’re addicted to and this meeting really reinforced that fact. It also made me feel less alone. Despite the fact that I couldn’t relate to being an alcoholic, I could relate to their feelings of rejection, loneliness, fear, hopelessness, and the list goes on and on. In short, I wish that I could go to AA meetings every week and just simply listen and feel like I’m not alone.

I have been writing this blog for a few days now, so let me be clear on what day I’m talking about. Tuesday after school, my aunt and I went to the bank to see how much money I have to see if I can pay our phone bill. Thank goodness I have enough! Unfortunately, it will empty my account but hopefully I’ll get a call back from one of the many places I applied to. We also did a lot of running around again, in the rain. It was surprisingly fun. We met up at Target with her friend and we all had Starbucks. =]

And I bought New Moon! I was so excited, I went home and watched it right away.

When I got home I got an unexpected text from Ryan! I was even more excited about that. That night, one of my best friends, Sabrina, came over to my house. She had been upset all day at school because her boyfriend(one of my ex boyfriends) broke up with her for reasons out of her control. I felt bad for her and knew that she needed a girls night out. We made fools of ourselves outside of my house to the point where my neighbors came outside to ask us if we were okay. =] We had a lot on needed fun. Tuesday was a good, good day.

Yesterday-Wednesday-Bear and I had a lot of fun together. My Gram apparently wanted rocks for something so we all went out to the river to find and steal rocks. This was by no means fun, at all, but Bear and I played little games and tried to get through it. All I wanted out of helping dig in the dirt for rocks was a cup of coffee and I wasn’t allowed. Mom’s like “It’s too late for coffee, you’ll never sleep,” at 6:00 pm. Dear Mom, It’s never too late for coffee. I ended up falling asleep at 8:00. Yeah, I definitely need that coffee, Mom.

Today I have another therapy session and I really don’t know what to talk about. I’m looking forward to the drive there, alone. It’ll be relaxing, plus nobody will be able to stop me from getting my coffee then! HA! Anyway, today’s going pretty well so far. I’m just not looking forward to my next period because I have an honors psych presentation and I honestly have no idea what I’m talking about for it. =/ I guess we’ll see how that goes. Otherwise, I think I’ve talked your ears off today so I’ll letcha go. I love you all. Just remember that if one day is bad the next will be sunny again. Hence the lighning at the top and sun at the bottom of the page. =]

P.s.- It’s pretty ironic that the day my little sunshine got his phone back, the real sun came out. =] Love youuuu!

Always,

hill


Picture Perfect?

And yet another day has passed…

I didn’t sleep well last night. I fell asleep on the couch and my aunt came upstairs and woke me up to talk about our phone bill. Half asleep, she was like “So our phone bill has been run up a lot.” I guess I must have just grunted back to her because all I remember after that was her saying that she’d just talk to me about it tomorrow. Even though I didn’t respond in english, I did comprehend a little bit of what she said. It is my fault that the bill was run up because I’ve been talking to Ryan on a landline number. Normally, if I would ever bring the bill up, it wouldn’t have me this worried. Due to the fact that I ran it up because I was talking to Ryan, scares me. As a result, last night I couldn’t clear my head enough to rest.

In the morning I talked to my aunt and she said that we have 700 minutes to share between my four family members and I-for the record I’m slightly embarassed to say this-used 800 myself. =/ That is sooo bad, obviously. It really sucks now though because not only do I have to pay the phone bill, I have no way to talk to Ryan for awhile. Two problems with that:

1. I don’t have a job or money.

2. Ryan doesn’t have his phone right now.

Ugh. Anyway, in efforts to pay the bill, I’ve been filling out applications for the past few days. I’m hoping that I hear back from one of them soon.

Today, Bear once again really hurt my feelings. This morning when we were eating breakfast he said “Hill’s fat and smells like throw up.” When I told him that he hurt me, he said “Well, I don’t care because I’m mad at you for always going in the hospital.” That is not something my brother would say if my stupid mom wouldn’t influence him. My mom thinks that it’s okay to vent to her 10 year old son, not realizing (or caring?) that it is only hurting him and the person/people that she is venting about, which is usually me. When things like this happen I feel hopeless, rejected and depressed. Sometimes I just feel alone in the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this warm weather that we’ve been having lately. Although, it is a major trigger for me because all the girls with “perfect” bodies wear their little shorts and show off their bodies, which makes me feel insecure. I’m trying so hard to not compare but it’s hard because it seems like they have a perfect little life. They show off their bodies and go out with their friends and their boyfriends hang all over them. That’s not necessarily something that I want but just the fact that I don’t feel comfortable doing it. I know that even if people seem happy, you never know what happens behind closed doors but sometimes that fact just isn’t helpful.

The changes that I’ve gone through in the past year are a struggle and honestly, quite embarassing. ED started out as me never eating, then to restricting all day and bingeing and purging at night. After that I went to eating and purging every meal. Now, I rarely purge, but I’m still eating, and most of the time I eat, it’s a binge. Clearly, this is putting me in a position and weight that I don’t want. No matter what I try to do, I cannot stop the current habit I’m in. I was told by my doctor that I can actually lose weight because I’m above my goal weight now. This is good and bad news, but no matter how hard I try, I find myself stuck in this habit. I want to lose weight and get to my goal weight, which is not unhealthy. Does anybody have any suggestions as to what I can do to get out of this pattern? I’m really stuck and would give anything to get out of it so that I can lose weight.

Tonight Bear is going to a school dance and mom and I have a night of nothingness. I’m not really sure what we’re going to be doing but I hope we do something so that I don’t have to sit around and think. We all know that’s not healthy at all. Anyway, I hope you all are having a good weekend so far. I’m feeling pretty down so if anybody has any words of advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks guys.

Always,

hill


If only, if only.

Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay! Three day weekend starts NOW! =]

Today has been a good. good day! School went well and I actually had a few good laughs throughout the day. When I came home I cleaned up and went to my dietician appointment. While I was waiting to talk with her, there was a women in the lobby that I spoke to. Her 18 year old daughter has pre eating disordered thoughts and she thinks that she’s fat. Despite the girl’s thoughts-like many people with ED-she was not at all fat.  Her mother caught on to her restrictive behaviors and decided that she should take her to see a dietician. Thankfully, they caught it early enough that they just may be able to avoid ED full on. The point of me telling you all this is that as I was talking to this woman, I was trying to be insighful so that I could help her be as supportive to her daughter as possible. I’m sure we all know how lost parents feel and how they get mad as a result of not knowing how to help their kids. It felt really good for me to know that one thing that I said could stick and end up helping this family get through this together. The feeling was irreplacable.

After my dietician appointment I went around attempting to find a job. I filled out a few applications but who knows with the way todays economy is…Then I had therapy. On the way there I decided that I would enjoy the warm weather so I rolled down the windows and made a phone call to my favorite boy. We had another amazing, day changing conversation! He always puts me in the best mood. Despite the fact that I was supposed to go to the Taylor Swift concert tonight, I’m still managing a smile. The friend that I was supposed to go with is going to record songs for me and send them to me. She’s such a sweetheart. Love you Sammm. ❤

Therapy went well too! Although, it was pretty awkward because when I walked in there was a girl from school there. My therapist and I talked about how your life really begins after high school. I really hope that this is true because I don’t think that I have truly lived yet and I want to more than anything.

Tonight my plans are centered around watching Harry Potter on abc family.  =]

So as we speak my Mom and brother are getting into a huge fight. Bear is really scaring me because he keeps telling me that he’s going to runaway because Mom makes his life horrible. He also keeps saying that his life is terrible becuase he used to get beat up everyday by his Dad-my step Dad. I know how he feels, I mean I went through it too but I can’t imagine how it’s influencing his life right now. If I’m struggling this bad with the abuse, how in the world is he handling it? I worry about things like that every single day of my life. I just wish that life wasn’t always like Alice in Wonderland, sometimes I wish things just made sense.

Well darlings, I’m off to watch my favorite wizards make some magic happen. If only we were all wizards and could all make whatever we want come to life. If only, if only…

Always and Forever,

hill


A Stick in the Mud.

Thank goodness this school week is almost over for me. For some unknown reason I don’t have school on Friday, so-even though it’s Wednesday-it’s like a Thursday for me. I woke up this morning in a pretty bummy mood. =/ I have no idea why, I mean I had a great night last night. I got a lot of school work done and then I took Bear to Rita’s before bed. We rolled the windows down, turned the volume up and were screaming songs out the windows. It was so much needed fun that just took my mind off of everything. When I got home I had a good conversation with Ryan. So really there is no reason why I should feel like this today. I hate waking up in a yucky mood. =[

I have never wanted summer to come so bad. There is nothing more I want than to have freedom. Besides the fact that it’s my last summer before college! Anyway, so after school I took my aunt to work and the strangest thing happened. We were driving with the windows down and all of a sudden something flew in the window and hit me while I was driving. My aunt and I both looked at it, contemplating if what we saw was legit. I got hit with a damn stick! It was huge and it came into the window so suddenly! After a few seconds of silence, we both cracked up. As I was driving home, I got stuck behind a million slowwww drivers and this only further activated my road rage.

 

We just had the classic American dinner, hot dogs and macaroni and cheese. Not really my favorite but I ate and kept it down. Although, I’m ashamed to say that I did purge earlier today. =/ I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud but I think maybe if I get this all out I’ll feel better. Today is just one of those days that I feel hopeless and alone. Does anybody else get those days? I get them a lot and it’s really discouraging. I’ve been doing everything I can to stay on some kind of track. I talk a lot in therapy, I listen to calming music, I blog, I talk to people, and I’m finally taking my medication regularly. I’m doing the best that I can possibly do. And thank goodness that I’m keeping the suicidal thoughts away because I have such a hard time controlling them.

Well bloggie buddies I think that I’m going to go to the beer store and hang out with my aunt so that I can finally get the heck out of this house. My Gram is constantly breathing down my neck and I can’t take it anymore. She bothers me so I ignore and avoid her and then she tells my Mom that I hate her and I get into trouble. All I was trying to do is keep trouble away and I just get into even more. Ugh, whatever. Sorry for being a negative writer today but I actually feel a little better now. Tomorrow’s another day and I’m looking forward to the challenges ahead…

By the way, everybody wish Ryan luck tonight at hockey! Good luck, baby!

 

Ry is my little Danny Briere in the making. =]

Goodnight my loveeees,

hill


In the middle of the night.

The weekend was too short! I didn’t really do too much but sometimes a little of nothing is good. Friday night I did as I said I would in my last post, I took Bear to see Alice in Wonderland. It was so good! When we were in the lobby waiting in line to get snacks Bear decided that he was going to pick me up, literally. I started kicking and yelling “Put me down, put me down!” When he finally decided to put me down, my feet weren’t underneath me because I was kicking. So basically I fell flat on my butt, hurting my tailbone extremely bad. As if that isn’t embarrasing enough, my shoe flew off and hit this guy and-while I was still on the ground-he handed it to me and said “Here’s your shoe.” It was the most degrading experience ever! Well, not really but it felt like it in the moment.

Dear Ryan,

I owe you everything right now. You have been here for me through everything and I cannot put into words how much that means to me. We talked so much this weekend and you put me in the best mood. Friday you made me so happy that I didn’t purge once on Saturday and Sunday I purged much less than normal. I don’t feel like I have to do this alone when you’re by my side. Thank you for all your kindness and patience with me. You are my best friend and lover, without you I’d be lost. You have a beautiful soul baby. I love you and that will never change. Things will happen on our life paths, but my love for you will never fade. I can’t wait to spend a summer under the stars with you. I love you, Ryan Michael Wessner.

Saturday was rather boring and by Sunday I was grateful to get out of the house. My Aunt texted me in the morning and asked me if I would take her to work and I agreed. When I agreed to do so, I didn’t plan on spending the whole day there with her. She works for her best friend in a beer store, so basically it’s a really easy job. We sat around and watched movies all afternoon and we ate! Oh boy did we eat and I was proud of myself for keeping it down! I enjoyed our time together and dreaded  going home. Before we left to go to the beer store, my brother was being incredibly mean to me again. He keeps throwing hurtful comments at me and I swear he knows that it’s killing me. It got to the point that I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore because I knew that he was just going to be a little jerk.

Ugh, wow so I’ve been writing this blog for the past like three or four days and things are just crazy right now. I’ve been in a better mood despite my recent weight gain because I’m finally keeping my food down. It’s been about three days since I’ve purged. =] My little sunshine has been keeping me in the best mood possible and I’m eternally grateful for that. Ryan and I have been making so many plans for May-his birthday and our two year anniversary occur then-and the upcoming summer. I am so dying to spend my summer with him, and of course a few of my girls. ❤ It’s going to be the most amazing experience of my life and I absolutely cannot wait. Hopefully since I’ll be living in a dorm next year, it will be easier for Ryan and I to spend time together. For those of you who don’t know, Ryan is my boyfriend of two years, and my family doesn’t approve of him due to him being 21-almost 22-and other unknown reasons. They forbid me to see him and it’s completely backfiring. We have this connection that keeps us together through everything. By them trying to keep us apart, they only brought us closer. I am passionately in love with him and nobody can come in between us. I’m sure we’ll be together a long, long, long time.

Anyway, I could talk about Ry all day long but I’m sure my fellow bloggers wouldn’t appreciate that. =P I finally applied to the local community college in my area so hopefully I’ll get the response soon-which should be a yes, it’s just a waiting game-and then check out financial aid. I’m hoping to get my life fully together before going far away to college so that my chances of relapsing are less. As of right now, things are doing much, much better.

Today, Tuesday, my Mom and I had a girls day out and went to see Remember Me. OMG it was so incredibly sad. We both cried at the end, it was an adorable movie though. Mom and I had a good time just taking our mind off things and getting out. Last night I spent my time watching Taylor Swift videos on youtube! =]

 

She is my idol and I completely adore her. I was supposed to go to her concert this Thursday but I needed the money to fix my car. =/ Responsibility…dumpy. Well, I’ll leave you kids until next time. Hopefully the sun keeps shining on all your beautiful faces.

“In the middle of the night when I’m in this dream, it’s like a million little stars spelling out your name.”

I love you, Ryan. ❤

Always,

hill


You make me smileee.

Happy Friday kiddies. =]

I’m in a surprisingly good mood! My morning started off pretty rough though. I had urges to purge right after breakfast, but I controlled them. It’s very rare for me to get urges in the morning so I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. I decided that I would just sit down and enjoy my Dunkin Donuts coffee until it was time to leave for school. Ugh school. Becca-I’m definately with you, I’m so over the high school thing. What a joke…

Yesterday was, well, flat out horrible. I was doing okay myself but there were so many things I was worrying about. I was struggling with the worst feeling of them all-at least to me-rejection. I’ve made an abundance of friends at all the hospitals I’ve been at, but I’ve made more of a connection with some people than others. Some of them I talk to regularly and others I haven’t talked to in forever and it’s been making me think twice about how much they really care about me. One of the people that I have made an amazing connection with-Jake-and I haven’t talked in a few weeks. Last time we talked his girlfriend got mad that we were talking and I felt like I had to stop talking to him so that I didn’t come between them. Don’t get the wrong idea, I don’t want to date Jake or anything, but we both just get each other. I don’t want to lose an amazing friend because he has a psychotic, controlling girlfriend. Anyway, I really was considering texting him yesterday and then…he called me! I was SO excited. He was the one and only person that I wanted to talk to because he always knows just what to say to make me smileeee. =] We had a great conversation, made a play date and he totally just made my day. Thank you, darling. =]

It was therapy day yesterday as well and it went smoothly. It boosted my confidence when my therapist told me that despite my struggle with purging, I’m doing so much better than I was a few weeks ago. It’s really reassuring when you’re told that people see a change in you when you didn’t think anybody noticed any progress. The people that I wish would realize that I’m doing better would have to be my family. My Mom and brother were talking about our Wii fit at dinner and my brother made an unexpected jab at me. He said “Yeah, well all Hill does is get fat and then play on my Wii fit.” I don’t think he meant anything by it but it shattered me to bits. To top it all off, they don’t think I’m doing better at all, they actually think I’m getting worse and more depressed. Ugh frustrating.

This past week has been going well, I’ve just missed talking to Ryan. We’ve been talking on the phone more than normal but it gets hard doing that because i can’t let my family find out we’re talking or I’m toast. Other than that I’ve been doing better overall. Tonight I have to watch Bear and I’m really looking forward to a night with him. We’re going to the movies to most likely see Alice in Wonderland. We always do the most ridiculous things and it’s nice to just be able to be whoever I want to be around him. We end up doing things like…

 I was supposed to hang out with Jake, he even offered to help watch Bear with me but I don’t want him to have to endure that… I’ll be posting over the weekend, as I hope you all will tooo!

Love you to pieces,

hill